Flight of the Hummingbird - Day 121 & 122 – 8-6 and 8-7-2021 - Finding Myself

 

My birthday was on the 3^rd, this past Tuesday, and it’s been a rough week. Not only has the number affected me this year more than ever, I began to connect with the generations of my mother’s side of the family. This was obviously meant to happen, and it is bringing up some pretty deep core issues. Issues that have run in this family, on both sides, and they are the same. Of utter and complete loss (of people and things), of running away, of fear, of lack, of aloneness, of destitution. From reading my grandfather’s letters from prior to WWII, just trying to figure out how to save his little family by escaping the Nazis and SS from Czechoslovakia to go to Israel, to the feelings I have been feeling that are full out affecting my life right now, similarly.

These things that are going on aren’t happening to me, they are happening for me to release these familial patterns. Somehow my ancestors know I am strong and brave enough to do this, however, what I am walking through right now are the deepest core issues of mine and patterns from this generational trauma. This is not an easy road to travel and there are many days, especially in the last week or so where I have felt completely and utterly defeated. That nothing will go right and that the grey cloud looming over my head will never go away.

These are just thoughts and will absolutely, 100% mess us up. Thoughts that lead to feelings of despair, hopelessness, bitterness, fear… you name it, the gamut has been run. Sitting with myself and allowing these feelings to rise in me and letting them go; I’ve been doing this for a long time. This time feels different because of the depths of this. These feelings, some mine, some not, have been around for so many generations, it’s actually scary for me and sometimes feels like it will never end.

I am learning to sit, to shake, to yell, to scream; to just get the energy of these core feelings that are blocking me out. And then allowing sleep at the end of the day to overtake me as my mind and body work through the release. The next day, today, feels clearer. I don’t know what the day will hold, there are a lot of endings and things that feel very different happening. I feel different. I can’t explain it because the painful energy that rises up has been making me feel helpless, yet there is a distinct knowing that I am meant to just go through this release, and everything will shift.

In this poem, I wanted to be as vulnerable as I could and show that although we go through this pain and anguish, there is relief on the other side and things do get better. It is not meant to stay that way because life, as it is, will always show up for us to see the truth of who we are and sometimes it gets ugly and chaotic as we walk through the fires of hell to find that truth about ourselves. This is a journey, not a destination. We write our own story every day, we turn the page every day. The really cool thing is that we get to write our own story and we get to heal our own pain and issues and then we get to find the light inside us to bring it out to the world to help others. Whatever that looks like for you, I believe we are all here to do that. The basic premise; to love and be loved. That is all. This is our purpose and how we do that as jobs, businesses, helping others in the world is just our vehicle to allow the exchange of good energy to flow. This is what I know deep inside and this is what I do to heal myself so I can do that.

Why? Because I love myself and my children and want to see a better world for their children. I want to be part of that process for all of the children, the outer and well as the inner children inside of us all who have suffered enough. That is my story and I begin it with… Once Upon A Time…

 

What is happening to me? I do not know,

These painful patterns, have just got to go,

The pain they cause is keeping me stuck,

Desperately trying to get out of the muck.

Excitement and optimism just happened today,

This is so powerful, things are going my way!

I wish these feelings would last for a while,

Things working out and having fun, just makes me smile.

And lately there’ve been days, too many to count,

Where fear and disappointment, I cannot surmount,

These days when these feelings get the best of me,

Feeling like I’m drowning and just wanting to flee.

I am now down into the core of the pain,

From generational trauma, I feel I can no longer contain,

Digging deep into the trenches, here it comes,

Like a swarm of angry bees, I have to succumb.

The feeling of death, as it comes near,

Bringing out my worst and causing the fear,

What happens now, as I don’t know what to do,

Do I run? Do I hide? Or do I break through?

I am learning now to just sit with this pain,

As the waves of nausea come up again,

What does this mean? I just want to run,

My life is in turmoil, I am coming undone.

The turmoil is there for me to heal,

This is happening for, not to me, I feel,

It gives me a chance to break these chains,

Of generational patterns that run through my veins.

The grief and the heartbreak, it’s been for so long,

Causing me to feel like I do not belong,

On this planet, oh great what am I doing here?

This stuff that’s not mine, I carry, is severe.

Learning to sit with myself and hold space,

There is nothing else, I must be still in this place,

Allowing the feelings to rise and to leave,

My chest moves hard, I feel I can’t breathe.

Counter-intuitive response of the day,

Time to breath anyway, to find my way,

Now it’s time to cry and shake,

To let this all go, continue to carry their stuff, a mistake.

This is not something meant to be understood,

It must be felt and released to find the good,

Deep inside myself, where it’s always been,

I just couldn’t see or find it and thought I would never win.

I didn’t know why and now I do,

The process it takes is not easy to pursue,

I know it must be done, and days I don’t know how,

But I keep moving through it, I gave myself the vow.

The vow to be persistent, no matter what,

And now the closer to the core issues, I can feel the rut,

I am in and sometimes it doesn’t end,

I reach out for help and try to transcend.

This pain that gets deeper throughout the day,

That doesn’t seem to want to go away,

I know now that as I sit with my little girl,

And release this pain, things start to unfurl.

Wait! I thought this is what I needed to do,

To connect with this truth inside that I never knew,

It is, it is and right now it feels inflamed,

I must feel this, love it and do it anyway.

Persistence and love and abiding grace,

For myself, I now place my hands on my own face,

Holding myself with love, so dear,

Like that little child, to help her walk through the fear.

I love you and everything will be ok,

You are strong and brave and hope that they,

Will understand while I pay attention to you,

To let you know I’m here and help you get through.

You’ve got this, I’ve got this, it can be done,

The clouds may be in the way, yet there is the sun,

That will come out once again and when it does,

You will find yourself and a deep feeling of love.