Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 20 – 4-26-2021 - My “New” Version of Rock Bottom at 56

My “New” Version of Rock Bottom at 56

Here I am today, listening to Lisa Nichols in an interview, while I am on my walk. I have heard her story about being at rock bottom, over and over again; it still brings me to tears. The only difference is that her experience happened in her early 20s and mine in my 50s. Yet the feelings, decisions, grit, and persistence it takes to walk through something like this is the same.

Doesn’t matter how old we are.

It definitely feels harder at 56 because I am not just walking into the beginning of my life. I have been at rock bottom a few times and I am well versed on how the process goes.

What I can say is that weirdly it feels like a beginning or I wouldn’t keep saying that.

My biggest fear, as I’ve mentioned before, of being alone and broke in my 50s opened up to me and for me. My Higher Self says, “You’ve been asking for changes. You want to help others. You want to learn what it feels like to go through this.” Wait, what? I never said the last one.

What I am finding is, what better way to change and help others than go through the experience myself. That is how I was able to walk into this. On some level, I knew that.

Of course, I fell apart. Of course, I cried and yelled in the first few days. I had to fall apart. All of that old stuff was releasing from me. Those fears; the things that were holding me back.

I also know that deep inside of me, in that “broken” space, there is someone who is powerful. Only way to put something together is if it is broken, but am I really broken. I don’t feel that way. So is it really “fixing” myself or putting myself back together? As I’m writing this, I feel something different.

This is not a place to pretend that everything is going to be fine anyway and latch onto the next guy’s coat tails so I can get out of this.

This time is real. This time, as Lisa puts it, I get to be willing to completely die to parts of myself to become the woman I had always known myself to be.

I feel as though it is more of a discovery or an excavation.

But how do you do that at 56?

I’m not just talking about getting myself out of being broke, I am talking about completely becoming who I am.

And who is that?

This is first time I have accepted this for myself…

I am a sensitive woman who loves to connect with others.

I am a woman who is love; herself.

I am a woman who feels the pain of others and for many years thought it was mine.

I am a woman who stands in her truth and researches, discovers, processes, and integrates all that she has learned.

I am a woman who deeply cares about sharing what I know and have been through, so others may experience changes in their lives.

I am a woman who holds space for others who are walking through their Dark Nights of the Soul.

I am powerful woman. I am a leader. I am very persistent.

I am a woman who loves nature, being outdoors and travelling (that’s the gypsy in me).

I am a woman who has a story to tell that has emotionally held me back for my entire life and I am just now understanding how important it is for me to not be perfect and to share my story.

I am a woman who knows that no matter who we are, what our story is, where we come from, what color we are, or what gender we are, we all have the right to live.

I am a woman who believes that everyone deserves to see and live, in color, the nature way. There is no drab.

And I am a woman who knows that my path has brought me to this place of true acceptance and more healing, and I am so excited to see what comes from this.

Being 56 and living in a bedroom/office that a friend so graciously offered me IS my new beginning and this time I get to do this way differently than I ever have in my life.

I am not alone. I am not broke…

…and this is my journey.