Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 7 – 4-13-2021 - Transition and Fear

I’ve never felt this afraid in my life during a transition. I have everything I need to have a wonderful life and I am so traumatized by what is happening and yet so far this void has been oddly good for me.

I feel my body consistently shaking, so scared. I’m crying a lot today and really don’t know why, other than to release these things I have held onto for so long. I feel like I am going to fall off the deep end. I am so sensitive to what my body is feeling and at the same time I know what is going on in my mind.

It is similar to what my grandmother once said when she got old. She was alert enough to watch her own body falling apart. This is a lot for me; I am encouraged and hopeful and just completely shaky about it all.

Having approximately $1,000 in the bank right now with one client and barely a $400 a month income is where I stand right now. I don’t know anyone and I am making connections yet I also know it isn’t time go full out yet. I am living in my chrysalis.

I must have a lot to release as it is all coming to the surface in such a different way today. I am so aware of what is going on and watchful.

I start the Sage Lavine retreat today and just got off a Zoom call with one of her coaches for 15 minutes. She validated that I am in the right place; in the midst of a bunch of women about whom I am afraid to be because I never bonded with my mother. I purposely put myself into this like being afraid to fly and going on a plane to counter and heal the fear.

There is so much fear around this time and I am lacking trust and walking through it. I have no idea what to expect. In fact, I am not expecting anything because I don’t know.

Everything is unknown for me. I know I can do this and yet I still shake, fear and cry. I am zoning out right now; this is so surreal. The timing is impeccable and I am just staring at the computer screen and typing these words. They are just coming out of my fingers. I don’t really know what I am saying, going to say or typing.

This matters so much. I matter and I choose to turn myself and life around and today is the first day of the rest of my life. I say that as a good thing and I haven’t said that in a long time. Usually, as in my past transitions, when I say it, things begin to turn around for me.

Again, this feels so different both inside and outside of me; more than I am used to. I am ok right now and I know I will be ok. Today is the day. My life begins here and now.

This is my journey, in the moment, in the NOW and I am grateful.