Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 6 – 4-12-2021 - The Dark Place

Well, I can say this. I learned a lot about yesterday. It was definitely a Gateway day as I call all “11” days. They either end up be exceptionally positive and fun or they go opposite. I don’t call them good or bad days anymore because they all are part of life and my healing process. I am always connecting with myself to heal, especially now.

It was storming yesterday morning and raining all day and mimicked how I was feeling inside my mind and body. I couldn’t for the life of me disconnect from the thoughts I was having. I know full well that my thoughts create these emotions that had me in a dark space yesterday. It was overpowering me and at one point I lost it again because I am having such a creative block I don’t know what to do with it. I was walking through a Dark Night of the Soul for the third time since I’ve moved into the next chapter of my life both physically and spiritually.

Sometimes when we leave a relationship and life we have known, we get the strength and courage to move forward and things appear, just before, to feel like we have some control over our lives. That’s what it felt like for me. I have done this before and then realized that here I am in the new place and the “same things” are happening to me all over again.

Somehow this feels different. It’s like moving around a mountain trail in a spiral form rather than trying to climb the mountain straight up. The trail is much easier, however, when I come back around to the other side I feel like I am back in the same place. But I’m not; I have actually moved higher up the mountain trail.

That is what is happening to me now. It is not comfortable, and some days are not even close to fun. Then there are days that show up that are, and I see that things are different. Today is one of those days although I feel as though I am back in a void. What it feels like is the Universe is piecing everything and everyone together for me so that when I am ready, after going through this and releasing these things and old emotions and beliefs that no longer serve me, I am ready to step out.

I asked for a lot to happen in my life for myself, my business and connecting with others. The beliefs and emotions I have been carrying since childhood have totally held me back from moving into that. The Complex PTSD that has been happening since then took over my life and I felt so out of control.

Oddly, I don’t feel out of control now, even though I have no idea of what is going to happen next. I have my goal, I take walks every morning, I listen to motivational audio and video on You Tube and I journal. I follow whatever guidance comes and I write down ideas that come. The fear of the unknown that I have carried throughout my life is slowly dwindling.

My gratitude goes out to all of the people who are supporting me on this journey. It isn’t easy and it is doable.