Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 9 – 4-15-2021 - Value vs Money

I knew yesterday would be difficult, but I didn’t know just how much. At the end of the day when we had the opportunity to work with them, I talked to a coach and found out they don’t have scholarships to help me get my business going with support. The most interesting thing is that when things like this came up before in my life, I would get shaky inside, disappointed and want to cry but usually happened after I was finished discussing whatever the subject on money was. Then I would get off the phone and have yet another Dark Night of the Soul; crying and wailing because it seemed to always come to this issue with money.

I could never get to the bottom of what the link between money and value was with why I reacted and felt the way I have about money. It’s always about money.

I was concerned that I would completely lose it. I came close when I was talking to some other women in a breakout session prior to that conversation with the coach about working with them.  The interesting thing is that one kept talking over me and the other was on the phone working. It happened again. Interesting how I attract the thing I am most fearful of.

My belief has been that I don’t feel heard, and no one wants to listen to what I have to say. I am challenged to find out what that is all about. That just hit me hard this time.

And this time I am gentler with myself.

These are just two of the beliefs I have that came up for me from yesterday’s Day 2 of this retreat. What I do know is that no matter how many times we do the healing work, there is another belief lurking in our subconscious ready to pounce in a different area of our lives.

Anyway, what really came through for me was this:

In this retreat, Women Rocking Business, there is a different variation of money beliefs that I have not encountered previously. Usually they are things like, “Money is evil.” “We must work hard in order to make money.” “Rich people are evil.” None of these fit for me from what I learned growing up, except maybe, the one about working hard.

As I said, these were different. The ones that shouted the loudest to me were abandonment and unworthiness.

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks because it was a direct connection to my whole life; it wasn’t about the money. Turns out it was about my value and self-understanding.

Now, with abandonment, the consideration is that in business and in other aspects of my life, there is a fear of being left behind by others. This consistently brings up unworthiness and feeling like there is something wrong with me; something I have had to “fix” throughout my life by doing personal development and healing.

Now don’t get me wrong (I am realizing this as I’m typing it). There is nothing inherently wrong with a healing journey, as long as it doesn’t become our life. Mine became my life and seems to be what my addiction is; searching for what is wrong with me and healing it. I’ve been doing this for 29 years; I am a pro. Literally. My business is about helping others.

What that brought me to is this… the story of my mother turning her back on me in the hospital the day I was born came up yet again. I just mentioned that yesterday. Obviously there is a process going on here.

My own mother…

Which then brought me into the situations in my life where I rarely felt encouraged or supported (especially by women) and if I was, there was always a stipulation added to it. It was called Conditional Love, whether through my own fears or attracting a man into my life who had his fears. “Oddly”, for both me and my partners, relationships became codependent.

My mother’s stipulation was, in her thick seven language American accent, “I bore you.”

I owed her my life because she gave birth to me. I have been paying dearly in the fact that I never valued myself. Everyone who entered into my life became her; the person I owed.

This woman who gave birth to me and turned her back on me the day I was born, made that stipulation long ago that I owed her. No wonder I was angry. I turned my anger inward, I certainly wasn’t allowed to let that out.

I was the good little girl. The one who just needed to be loved. Have you ever felt this way?

That sweet little girl who loved adventure and life, learned how to sabotage herself because of what stayed with her since the day she was born.

I owed my life to others and the way I worked it off has been to make sure I please them and did what they needed, wanted or what I thought they needed or wanted.

Just like most of the people in my life who said they loved me and cared about me, they turned their backs on me. How could they not, I felt broken and unworthy so deeply that I attracted people similar to her into my life.

In the process, I turned my back on me and left me behind. Now my life in flight as the Hummingbird makes perfect sense to me. Up, down, back and forth.

What I know now is that it pushed me to stop encouraging those beliefs and this didn’t happen until today after considering the most recent relationship in my life which just recently ended. I realized that I had finally attracted a man into my life that although there were similar traits that we mirrored in each other, he was the safest person who understood me the most and could help walk me through this.

We did that together and for the first time ever, I am friends with someone I had had been in relationship with.

I have had enough time in the past week and a half to be alone, walk through the grief and anxiety, to realize what is really going on with me and these beliefs. I allowed these last two days of this retreat to open me up.

Self-love and value. Something that was never reflected to me as a baby or throughout my life always showed up in the form of lack when it comes to money.

This has been why I wanted to help others heal, so they don’t have to feel the way I do.

Now I come to a space of healing from this and shining my light to give others the opportunity to heal. There is a huge difference.

I have a deep connection with turtles and Mother Earth. I have a turtle shell that I found in the woods that I have been carrying around with me for years. I always displayed it on a shelf or my altar on its back. Today I turned it over. I am no longer the turtle on her back.

And that continues my journey.