Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 14 – 4-20-2021 - Emotional Unavailability

 

Emotional Unavailability

Have you ever felt that you are always going to be left behind? That you will never be supported or that others don’t want to be around you?

This is a belief that I am working through right now and it is something I have held since I was born. Over the past couple of weeks, there have been some things that have come up for me in my life where it became fully visible yesterday.

I recognized that I have been attracting people into my life that are emotionally unavailable. The challenge was that I also saw where I have been that way too. That was not easy to admit.

I have already shared that story a couple of times about my mother walking away from me in the hospital the day I was born. Now I, of course, don’t have a full memory of that, I read it in the court papers that my father provided for custody.

And… I could see that it really happened, and I had certainly witnessed many other times that she walked away from me, so I’ll say, yes, it did.

What I am beginning to see is that attracting this into my life directly stemmed from being abandoned by her. Also, in the court paperwork, there was a statement. I believe I was about 10 when this was written, “Caroline will never fully recover from her abandonment issues.”

Holy shit, are you kidding me? I have been carrying this label around with me for my whole life.

This huge fear I have been carrying around with me, since day one, of never being able to connect deeply and intimately with anyone in my life… and it is all sub-conscious.

We have a tendency to live our lives based on subconscious programming from when we are children. Add trauma to that and we have chaos and self-sabotage going on inside and we don’t know what to do about it, let alone know that it is there.

Until something happens.

Something simple as someone who is with us that isn’t really with us. Maybe they are on the phone talking to someone else or on Social Media. Maybe they keep getting up to do something while we are sitting there waiting.

Remember when I talked about the challenge of me doing the same thing, above?

Well, here it is.

First of all, I get to cry and feel the sadness and loneliness this has created in my life. I cry and cry and cry and then it feels like something in my body has moved. I can’t really put this into words. It’s a shift. Directly into a void where I get to sit with it. Then once that happens, eventually, and that depends on how long we’ve been doing the healing work, it is done.

Walking through it in this way is what releases the energy of whatever the feelings were that I have been holding onto since birth and childhood when we don’t understand the feelings but get stuck in the event that occurred. And I did it this morning.

As I am writing this, I am actually in the void. Nothing has shifted yet and there is still some release that I will do. I do, however, feel better after the cry.

What I do know is that as I heal this, I will become more emotionally available and the situations that trip me up when others are behaving that way won’t hit me as hard as it has. I will be able to let it go more easily.

I have learned that every time I go through working through a belief system, something changes inside of me. I can now count on the fact that my behaviors change when I get opportunities that come to me that trigger that deep fear and pain like this one I have from childhood abandonment.

They were wrong, though, when they said I would never recover from this. I am recovering from abandonment and I’m learning a new way to carry it with me.

These types of things really don’t go away, they are a part of our experiences and who we are. Yet accepting that if we are able to walk through what is coming up and then learning to carry it, is what heals us.

There was a time when I was so traumatized, I created a life around it by living as a victim.

Now, on this journey called life, I heal and grow and know that I have been victimized AND I still continue on and learn to live my life with peace, joy and especially love.

And it all begins with me.