Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 8 – 4-14-2021 - Healing Myself

At what point do I actually use all of the bravery, resilience, capabilities, courageousness, etc. that I am told I have to walk through this? I have been so concerned to help others walk through whatever it is they are going through and I have left me behind.

I had a good cry earlier. I am frustrated that I can’t already get through this. Patience has been a lesson for me throughout my life. I wonder why?

I have realized that I pretty much gave up on me so I could be there to support what others are going through or what I assume they are going through.

It’s obvious my gift is healing and helping women/people walk through their stuff but not one time until now have I given myself the opportunity to focus on healing me. I did here and there, and it scared me so much to look at all of what was inside that I literally turned my back on myself just like my mother did the day I was born.

She was a volunteer for Red Cross in the same hospital in which I was born. As the story goes, after giving birth to me, she left me with the nurses and went around the hospital to go assist the other patients there. My first day on the planet and she left me alone. No wonder I had felt people were always turning their backs on me.

There is a strong feeling I am getting in this moment that my mother obviously never knew how to take care of herself, love herself or focus on herself either. I am floored. I really just realized this as I am typing it. This feels weird to me in this moment. I have been carrying that around with me for 56 years.

I know it’s time for me to release things that no longer serve me so I can walk through this biggest fear of my life; yes, the one about being alone, not have enough money to pay my bills, etc. I watched my mother do it and have been afraid of this for as long as I can remember. It feels like my whole existence is crashing in around me through this.

My mother even died in the same situation. She was a ward of the state and they paid for her funeral.

I am feeling nauseous at the moment just thinking about this. I feel dizzy. I don’t know what this is, but it reminds me of the times that when I worked through things during a personal development course it turned into a healing crisis; this is my healing crisis and it is my body working this out.

My mother started her life in a negative way. She was born in Czechoslovakia in 1932. She was 7 when WW2 began but prior to that, she and my grandparents left in 1936 to escape any possibility of going to a concentration camp. She was 4 when they moved to Israel and she had already seen and felt trauma in her life. I never knew what that trauma was, but I could only imagine.

I am a 4^th generation Holocaust Survivor; I came into the world in survival mode.

She had always been a strong, smart, adventuresome woman who could speak seven languages. She went after her life early on with passion and loved meeting people and helping them. She had a two-inch-thick stack of contacts that I had gotten from what she left behind from her adventures.

Turned out that, even though no one wanted to tell me the truth, my father and mother got married because my mother was pregnant with me. When I asked her what happened, she called me her miracle baby because the doctors had told her she couldn’t get pregnant. I never felt like a miracle.

There are a lot of feelings coming up for me with this story. Feelings of sadness, anger, pain and hopelessness from the past and my fears about now.

Yet things are beginning to click together for me to see why I am where I am in my life. I am not only in the process of focusing on my own healing, but I am also breaking through these beliefs I have had about my mother and myself.

And I cry.

I cry for me, for her, for pain, for the loss of life as I tried to survive it. And I heal as I go and it’s ok for me to focus on me and my healing. I’ve never done that before. She never got to do that.

This is a powerful and scary moment for me. I don’t know really how I am dealing with it, yet somehow, by some miracle I am.

This journey is my life.