Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 4 – 4/10/2021 - I Decide!

I Decide!

The choice is yours… DECIDE! I hear every day different things that motivate me into being successful. They are so inspiring that I jump up and say, “I’m ready! Let’s go!”

I have been doing this at least for the past three years and I found that I only got to a certain point and then it felt like I was right back at square one.

But… I’m not.

I’m not actually going backwards; I am starting from a new place with new knowledge and experience and this time it is big.

As I listen to these motivational videos and audios, I find that it isn’t just them that will make me successful. It isn’t just the mediation, the affirmations, the vision boards, the walks, the connections, it doesn’t work that way for me.

What I have found is that until I began to dig deep into my truth and release or shift the beliefs I have had about myself, my life and life itself is when things began to change. I can tell you that until I began to experience the Dark Nights of the Soul, my life shifted very slowly. Turtle like slow.

I am here now in a place where I think about the saying, “Be careful what you ask for.” I finally understand what that means. Even when I asked for patience, I was given opportunities and met people in my life who taught me how to be patient. It works in all ways.

Yes, it is about the fact that I will get exactly what you ask for every time, so I am very careful now about what I ask for. An example is my request two years ago when I was ready to date again. I asked, “Please let me find someone who is exactly like me, then they will understand me.” Yow!

And that is what I got. The formidable mirror for me. The one who showed me everything about myself that I loved and hated the most. We brought out the best and the worst of each other and it was so powerful of an experience that it broke through my deepest fears at the time to bring me to the biggest fear of my life.

I am living that now; and walking through it. My belief that I will be alone, homeless and penniless at 56. Well, I am not. I am at the bottom of the ladder set to move up. In the past week, I have gone into the deepest depths of the hell of my ego only to find that my move was just about speaking up when I needed to and getting more information.

The information I had been keeping in my head, ruminating, was only getting me into trouble. Surprise, it was only a belief I had and beliefs can be changed. That is what I am doing; changing those beliefs.

And… it goes deeper than that.

What I am also finding is that the mirror was there for me to see how to forgive, protect and love myself. To listen closely to that small voice within that once I break through the barriers of my own stubbornness and allow, begins to speak louder and louder and points me, believe it or not, in the direction I have been wanting to go in my entire life.

I have always wanted to help others. Here’s a challenge. I can’t help others if I can’t even help myself. The first lesson I learned when I landed in this place in my life at present.

The third day I was here, I helped one of the people staying in place I’m living. The very next day I lost it. All of emotions began to erupt. My thoughts went to, “I’m running out of money. I don’t know where the next batch of money will come from. I can’t pay my bills. I can’t buy food. I CAN’T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!”

I completely and unequivocally erupted into losing myself and it was the best thing that ever happened. I had texted one of my friends about what was happening, and he basically gave me the permission to “lose it.”

In fact, the suggestion given was to lose it so that fear will have nothing to enslave me with. The fear is my prison. I have been living in this prison my entire life. When he gave me permission to do just that, I felt a freedom I had never felt before. I got to make my own choice and didn’t have to hold back to make sure that I wouldn’t scare or hurt anyone, something I had been doing my entire life.

He continued to say to “Lose it, get creative and keep moving forward. Your dreams are waiting for your embrace on the other side of your fears.”

Woah… that sunk into the depths of my soul. I cried and cried. I yelled into my pillow. I released. And when I sat up, I had no idea what to do. I felt like my room was spinning and things were surreal. I was in the void; not knowing what to do next and not caring about what I had already done.

Everything throughout the week leading up to that point did not prepare me for what was about to happen. I was supposed to have a meeting with a success coach who was going to walk me through my next steps with creating my business. I couldn’t do it, so I contacted him and told him what was going on and he said he still wanted to meet. What? OK

I’ve been saying yes to all opportunities, so why not?

While I was talking to him, he brought me down; down to the bottom, to that place where there is only one way to go. He told me that if I stay in the spot of business as usual in a higher level than where I am actually at, then I won’t be able to walk through where I am actually at.

What?

That made so much sense to me.

He said, “You can’t celebrate the higher level of achievement that you don’t even have yet if you don’t celebrate where you are not.”

That was an understandable way of telling me that I get to be happy and love my life in the moment, no matter what I was going through. How many times have I heard that on those motivational audios and videos?

Now this is something I can sink my teeth into.

So for the past week, which probably started all of these locked up emotions coming to the surface was the action step I took of focusing on exercising.

I had nothing else to do; I certainly wasn’t able to focus on the course that I have been trying to write for the past 6 months.

With everything I had been through in the past year, by the time I knew things were ending on that chapter, I also ended the exercising.

Exercising the body is an absolute necessity in life and it isn’t just to look good. It actually affects our mood and thoughts. So I started on Monday and today is Saturday and everything has shifted. Just two days ago, on advisement from the Success Coach, I began listening to Earl Nightingale. I had done this three years ago on walks and the same thing happened; my life shifted drastically and moved me, literally, away from my self-sabotage.

Now, in the last three years, I moved through a lot and at this point, I decided to move forward. The difference was the 2x4 that hit me in the head as I was getting screamed at to move out of the place I was in. Thank God a friend was willing to take me in as I healed and learned to get back on my feet.

Anyway, I digress.

What was so interesting was that two years ago, the result of walking through that pain was meeting that someone who was my foil, as he used to put it about me.

I was actually meant to be in that relationship and situation. It raised me up to my potential.

That meeting with the person who I asked for to be just like me. Well, apparently that “just like me” including singing and music. Ironically, it also included a basic understanding of the vibration of music. This, as it turned out, was my lifeline back to me even though after we decided to connect on a deeper level beyond the music, was when it turned into the next Dark Night of the Soul, albeit in a healthy and loving way this time.

Bottom line is I started singing and playing the keyboard again and we wrote 32 songs together, produced two Eps and started a business together. So much has happened and throughout all the pain, the gifts of my life showed up for me.

Fast forward to now and the most thrilling and exciting part of this new chapter is that I made the CHOICE to do leave when I saw that my life was no longer working as I wanted it to be. I was in so much discomfort and pain, that I had to decide to do something. That’s usually how it works.

And everything shifted…

So back to the exercising.

Since Wednesday I have been walking with Earl and remembering things I had heard three years ago. Those reminders have brought me to a place of more change and shifting and more surrealness to the point of opportunities coming into my life.

I’ve known this intellectually for years and have used it in my coaching practice helping others but didn’t fully feel understand it until now.

When I release the old emotions and fears, new life begins to happen and it isn’t as scary as I had though all along. In fact, it’s fun and exciting to watch as things open and expand; similar to a flower blooming.

The discovery is that shifting and changing my beliefs and releasing old emotions literally opened up a new space inside of me to find out the truth of who I am, who we all are, which is Love.

And it all began with, “I DECIDE!”

I decide to walk on this journey.