Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 12 – 4-18-2021 - Releasing Energy

 

I’ve been at my new location for 15 days. Walking into the unknown has always been a fear for me. I used to need to control my environment and the people around me because I felt so out of control.

I’ve been taking 2 ½ mile walks around a lake that is near where I am staying every day. I started out listening to music and then something shifted in the first week and I started listening to motivational videos.

Once that happened, things began to click in my head for me.

For my whole life, I have been stuck in my past. It’s not a place worth being in, but there I was. I always thought there was so much healing to be done, so much fixing to do myself from feeling bad or wrong.

I was so afraid of my future and so uncomfortable with being in the present moment that my life had been all about longing and searching for something bigger than myself. I always felt so small.

Until recently.

I’m listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza this morning and he reminded me of all of the shifts I have been having for a while now. I learned a lot about how the Law of Attraction works; I watched The Secret when it came out. I own What the Bleep.

I learned and studied all kinds of religion and spirituality.

I heard over and over again how to think and feel differently and how it worked for so many people. And in the process, I realized, I was not those people. You know, the ones that just think about the $1000 they needed, and it “magically” shows up in the mail.

Things felt like they were shifting all along and it was so slow; it actually made me feel worse.

Until one day last year, when I started to learn about Complex PTSD through a therapist named Pete Walker. He wrote Homesteading in the Eye of the Storm.

I started to understand why none of these things I had been learning about and starting to use didn’t feel like they were working. People around me were doing similar things with the Law of Attraction and their lives were turning around and things were changing for them.

Apparently, I was on a different journey. One that I have found many others, like me, are on. This journey starts out with some kind of trauma in childhood.

There was a time when I began to dig deeper into what this was about. I couldn’t understand why every time an emotion came up for me that my entire body was locked into the emotion. I would cry, shake with anxiety and blank out. I couldn’t let it go of that feeling and didn’t know what it was.

When we have been traumatized, our bodies have a tendency to store that trauma within the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual systems of us. We are more than just our bodies.

Here is an example: Have you ever had a confrontation with someone and instead of being able to just let it roll of your back or walk away to take a breather from that and come back to continue the discussion, you went into a complete and total meltdown feeling like one of your parents or someone in your earlier life was screaming at you? It’s almost like the person in front of you morphed into that other person.

Have you ever felt like you were losing touch with what was going on in the moment and dissociated or disconnected yourself from the present moment so those feelings that were coming up for you wouldn’t overwhelm you or hurt you? Like going into a dream state while awake as if you were hiding yourself in a closet so that person couldn’t see you?

I’ve been there both literally as a child and in a dissociative state during a confrontation. It was the only way I could feel safe as I was going through it. I had never been good with confrontation in my life. It always scared me to have to do that.

And then things changed.

Over the past year I was able to feel safe walking through healing from that with the relationship with my recent partner.

I came to the conclusion, my point in all of this, that I can’t attract anything into my life that I want to happen if I am mentally stuck in the past. None of us can.

Now those of us who stay stuck in the past of a trauma, the “complex” part of this is that each confrontation or experience we have that brings up that same feeling, throws us into an emotional flashback of that first feeling experience that we had as a child that we couldn’t control or understand.

Remember I said my life felt out of control and I need to control things?

Hmmm, so anyway today I realized as I am taking my walk this morning that the space I am in is totally unknown AND I am actually not afraid of this. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I need to control everything. The process I go through each morning and each day is to stay in the present moment and just enjoy what is around me and what comes to me. If negative thoughts come into my head, I just look at the lake or a bird and breathe; and it works!

I have to be honest, this is really strange for me. What I now know is that as long as I keep my emotions at as high a level as I can, things keep coming to me. Ideas, people, opportunities, etc.

One thing to remember for you is that when you release the energy of the emotions that you are holding onto from old trauma that are keeping you stuck, you make room for the good to come in when you focus on your goals and your high vibe emotions.

The Universe abhors a vacuum, it will fill you up with all the good you want. You just get to do the work, release the old, focus on your goals, keep your emotions as positive as you can and get comfortable living in an unknown space.

This is the journey.