Flight of the Hummingbird - Day 114 – 7-29-2021 - I Am Me

 

Today, I realize and fully know how deep I really am. I am a deeply feeling person and love to connect in relationship. To the point that most others cannot handle that depth. There are those who don’t understand it, don’t know what to do with it and they leave. Sometimes, I push before I get hurt and here’s a shocker… I get hurt anyway.

An interesting paradox in this world to be so deep and to lose people for that reason. Not knowing or fully understanding my depth may have been the thing that pushed people out. Which brought up the fear of loss and the fear of being alone.

It’s challenging to be this person; most don’t really get that either. The way I’m finding out is that a dear friend showed me the way to Enneagrams. I am a 4 and 4s, The Individualist, are deep and loving and just want to be heard and most importantly want to be in relationship. There is also a Wing 5, which is The Investigator, so I need to know more about everything. I just want to know more about things. Truth begets more truth. There’s more to this, but this is what sticks out for me today.

The interesting thing about this is all of the conditioning I have gone through as a child, has led me to this point of deeply understanding why I am who I am. I also investigate me, how I tick, how I am in relation to others, and it comes naturally that I am able to know how others tick as well.

That is the other thing I am doing to learn. It is called Human Design and I am what is called a Self-Projected Projector, 4/6, for anyone out there who may know what that is. So far what I’m learning is that it means that I need to talk my way through to knowing what I need to do in my life. It’s how I make decisions and how I heal. This tends to push people away too.

I have always been too much, even as a child.

There is way more to this as well, that is just what I understand now.

This got me to see that the challenge I have is in the relationship realm with the fear of loss and being alone. I’m really working through something that is breaking me open to the depths of my truth. I am seeing things that I have never seen before and learning about me.

So, to say the least, the appearance is that I am a complicated person. I probably can be when I am in my dark side, yet when I am in my light, what I care about is loving and being loved. I also care about the beauty in everything I look at. The world is beautiful, and I take that in deeply too. That is why I love being out in nature so much.

Anyway, I can’t even begin to say what will happen now, I do know that I am breaking apart and although it feels awful, I know that there are streams of light coming through the cracks to show me the truth of myself and who I am.

What is that truth?

I am Me…