Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 54 – 5-30-2021 - Breakdown and Surrender

 

Yikes…here I go again. This is one of those days that I get to walk through an event occurring in a different way than I am used to.

As I go through this time, I find how important it is to surrender.

There are times, as I am working through right now, where I get to let go and allow whatever will happen to happen.

I used to get so frustrated and anxious about any kind of confrontation. I would pace. I would cry. I would physically shake because I didn’t know what else to do.

There isn’t much to talk about today because I am right in the middle of a situation that needs surrender. I don’t go into that space I mentioned above anymore, now I am just taking care of me, my inner little girl and my emotions. It’s a shaky feeling as I’m doing it. It sure beats losing it.

But wait… maybe a little loss of mind is a good thing. For a long time, I’ve been told to follow the guidance of my heart, my mind isn’t meant to make decisions. When my mind made decisions in the past, it usually caused me severe stress.

When I allow my heart to lead the way and surrender into that, even in the midst of chaos, I am feeling an odd sort of peace. I will tell you it is odd. One day it will be normal, it certainly feels a lot better than any Complex PTSD response I have ever endured.

I stay present now where in the past I would dissociate. I would reach out to everyone I knew to help give me some kind of understanding about what was happening to me in the situation and still couldn’t figure things out. My mind would literally go blank, and I wouldn’t know what to say or do.

I was lost.

Surrendering to me is not about giving up. I’m not good at giving up on things. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes not and I’m beginning to see the difference between giving up and surrender.

Surrender is a connection with my heart, Source, my emotions and allowing to continue to walk through even though it could hurt as I release. It is a choice.

Giving up feels like it is based out of fear. It seems to fall into the category I discussed in another writing about not caring when I really do. It’s not being true to how I really feel, or it is feeling like I’m not supported by anyone. That is so different to me than surrendering.

So, on this day as I am walking through a breakdown, I choose to surrender so I can break through this and find freedom and peace.

Just another day in this chapter of my life.