Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 43 – 5-19-2021 - “I Don’t Care” and Receiving

“I Don’t Care” and Receiving

On my walk today, I was listening to my Audible book called Being You: Changing the World by Dr. Dain Heer. I purchased this book years ago (no idea when) and It’s been sitting in Audible all that time. I think I managed to listen to the beginning back then and stopped.

So here I am again…it is time. What an incredibly powerful book. I have researched a lot of things in my life, about myself, about life, about healing, well…just about a lot. I am discovering things from this book that I never heard or considered, and it is just blowing me away daily right now.

This has been some of the reasons for the big shifts that have been happening with me more in the past week.

Anyway, today I had a total ah-hah moment about “not caring” and how receiving plays into it.

For me, when I was a teenager, when something felt bad or hurtful, I would say, “I don’t care.” This statement literally protected my heart from all of the damage that had been and was being done to it. I got to a point where I really just didn’t care about anything. I was so sad, hurt and angry inside most of the time because, well, nothing seemed to be going right in my world and I didn’t feel the love I so desperately needed. It really sucked to be me at that time.

And my “inner teenager” is pretty feisty and can get downright formidable, but it isn’t a true toughness, it is a protective toughness.

So herein lies the challenge.

When we were young, as teenagers, we may have used that phrase to protect ourselves. Truth is, as I have found out for myself, I do care. I care a lot. I care about what happens to me, with me, for me, about me and I care about others.

Yet, I have been so hurt that I shut that caring down. And I attracted people into my life who did the same thing. So even as I cared about them, they couldn’t receive my caring because they were probably dealing with a similar feeling of protection.

Wow, so what this means to me is when someone couldn’t receive my caring, it hurt me deeply. I would in turn think that I didn’t care, when in actuality I cared very much. About them, about a situation we were in, about everyone involved.

What I’m finding is that “not caring” is a protective mechanism that I hold onto very carefully, so I won’t be hurt. The challenge with this is I get hurt anyway. Why?

Because I am not allowing myself to receive either.

And when I can’t receive and the other person can’t receive, the flow of giving and receiving is blocked and we fall into feeling lack rather than abundance.

We dance this dance without even knowing what the hell is going on. It’s all subconscious. All of it. At least until right now where I can now see it.

What else does this dance do? It makes us codependent.

What does that mean?

It means that if no one is receiving and everyone is protecting and in lack, then in order for us to feel better we give until it hurts. That then backfires because here is where the flow is blocked. We start to feel that no on cares about us and we either shut down or lash out.

All of this because of our subconscious challenge of receiving.

Why do you think this is?

Because on some level, most of us don’t feel good enough. So now we can take the wheel full circle back to the teenager who felt hurt, sad, angry, unloved, etc.

This is huge. This is so important to understand. This is a gamechanger.

Every little (or big) thing that comes up for me propels me forward by releasing the old beliefs I have held onto for years.

It also heals my inner child and for that I am so grateful to be finding these things out about myself.

How do you feel about receiving?