Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird Day - 34 – 5-10-2021 - Feeling Fear and Doing It Anyway and Grieving My Way Through It

Feeling Fear and Doing It Anyway and Grieving My Way Through It

I spent the weekend with my former partner and his daughter. So many feelings coming back up, obviously still going through grief.

The biggest part of that was the morning flashback yesterday.

I mentioned that I hadn’t spent Mother’s Day (let alone many other holidays or birthdays) with my children for the past 21 years. Yesterday was going to be predictable, I knew it would. Nope.

I’m on Facebook looking at all of the mothers who get to be with their children, then at the mothers who similarly went through what I did and don’t. I start to feel my pain along with theirs. I cry. I feel so sad because I am transporting myself back to a time of no connection at all with my children and shed so many tears I couldn’t see straight.

Then I hear it. She is crying, at least I was aware of something. We went back to her room to be with her. The tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked so sad and alone. We stayed with her. Mother’s Day…not an easy day for some of us. Her mommy’s birthday is on the same day as this holiday, and she died five months ago from cancer. Nothing an eight-year-old should ever have to go through, but she did. She is strong though.

What I am learning is when a child is grieving they need to be supported through the grief, not lied to or told stories to make it appear to be something it isn’t. By doing the latter, it hurts them for the rest of their lives.

Thank goodness she is getting the support to walk through this. It’s not easy doing this as an adult with a child because her understanding of emotions isn’t fully developed, so she will emote, work through it with guidance and then she is good on the other side of that through the support. It’s a very interesting experience to witness this from an adult perspective.

I am grateful that I get to be there for her and with her. I am learning so much and it is healing me.

That, however, is not where this ends. We all walked through some pretty big stuff yesterday.

I experienced my fears, the things that turned out not to happen, and I experienced walking through this past weekend. Having the opportunity to release stuff, feelings, and thoughts and getting to spend time with people I care about before moving forward again.

It's not easy to explain all of this because it jumbles around in my head.

Which brings up something else. I spent some time talking to a friend about a book I have been “working” on for the past 10-11 years. I am going to admit that I am scared to write this book. I’ve been sitting on it and don’t believe I know what I am doing.

Again, I have so many of my stories just jumbling around in there and don’t know where to begin again. I want to say I can’t do it, but I know that isn’t the truth. I know I can do it, and that is why this is so difficult for me. Something is stopping me, sabotaging this opportunity to get this book out of me, but I don’t know what it is.

This blog is my space to work through that fear. Being as vulnerable as I can is not the easiest thing in the world for me, yet it helps me to put myself out there.

So, let’s see what direction this will take me on this journey. Thank you for your support!