Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 26 – 5-2-2021 - Breakdown

Breakdown

This is a triumph! It doesn’t really look like one; trust me it is. Today was a day of many realizations.

I have gone down to the depths of my fears, my brokenness. Crying my way through. Losing again? So, it seems, but is that what is really going on.

The past 30 years have led me to this moment in time.

I started my healing journey when I was 27. I will be 57 in a few months. There is something to be said in all of this.

I’ve seen therapists, coaches, done Native American Spiritual work, looked into many different religions although I was raised Jewish. I felt so much pain inside of me that I just wanted to rip my heart out to rid myself of all that pain because I couldn’t take it anymore.

The Dark Nights of the Soul – being on the floor, screaming and crying until I was spent – numbered in the hundreds since the time I began this journey.

I was a seeker of truth. I would do anything and everything to find out who I was, how to fix myself, how to fight the demons inside me that were relentless. The voices in my head that started as my parents, the bullies in school when I was young and others that came into my life. They were all there, consistently telling me how I could never measure up.

“You’re only a C student.” “You were never a good student.” “You don’t measure up to play softball, to sing in the play, to act… to do anything.” “You were abandoned by your mother as a child and your whole life is ruined.” “You piss money away.” “Why don’t you call me to tell me you love me and ask me how my health is?” “You owe me…I bore you.” And on and on it went.

The challenge with these things that other people said to me was that I began to take this on for myself. I became my voices. I believed all of those things and more about myself and as the years went on, it just got worse.

I did the work; I was persistent at finding out the truth and was finding that walking through this was very painful. I cried… a lot. I screamed… a lot. I died inside… a lot. I lost myself… a lot. I lost my way… a lot.

I felt like I was in a vertical hole filled to my chin with water. Now and again, it would lap into my mouth from the winds and I felt like I was always gasping for air. I was so afraid of everything, even as I was going through the healing from everything.

My life led me to losing my children as well, which was the biggest turning point in my life. I realized how completely broken I was during that time and this time it was more of a lifeline than someone telling me I was broken I was. Well, they did tell me but what it did was get me to look inside.

I was told, “You are a horrible mother.” “You only care about yourself.” “You will never measure up to us.” “Stranger danger.”

The first big breakdown began when my first husband and I were separating from each other. I can tell you now, I have no animosity towards him or the woman he married and later divorced after this part of the story was over. I have worked through a lot of forgiveness around them and the situation and if I hadn’t done that, I don’t know where I would be right now. I shudder to even consider that.

It all began 21 years ago, and I didn’t know up from down. Looking back, I find it was a blessing in disguise. I lost my children with them to something labeled Parental Alienation. I generally just say Alienation or Family Bond Obstruction.

I’ve been “working” on and off for about 10 years writing a book about my life and this tragic situation that happens to about 25 million parents in just the US (I can’t even imagine the number of children who are torn from their families). In the world, 70-80% of countries go through this and it is exacerbated by the court systems everywhere in the world. This tears up parents and children down; the least of which cause anxiety and depression, to addictions and suicides.

I was also a protagonist, interviewed in a documentary called Erasing Family. This was done from the perspective of the adult children who have gone through this mess and the things they are dealing with.

This story is not something I will go into right now, I will have to work on that in this forum because I‘m not sure how this will go. Everyday is different and I already said I would write about my old stuff and now something else is coming up. That’s me – up, down, back and forth, the process of life…directions are endless… - hummingbird is my nickname, so bear with me. Lol.

Anyway, I brought all of that up to say this. It was the beginning of the biggest breakdown of my life, which is where I am at present. The cycle continues; at least it’s better than it has ever been. I am just leaning into it and will write as I go.

I can promise you this. I have a processing mind. It goes all over the place, just like me. It has to figure things out. Not at all helpful to the healing process. So, staying on one subject for too long probably won’t happen.

I can also say that I am an open book. I am willing to share what my experiences are so that others don’t have to land as hard as I did when I hit rock bottom.

It’s all ok. The point to this journey is that when you aim to fly and you ask for things in your life, you will get the opportunities that come to you that give you the chance to experience what you are asking for.

For example: I have always spoken about compassion for others and what better way to be compassionate than to learn to be compassionate for myself through these opportunities. Yay me!

This is a huge lesson for someone who hasn’t thought she was enough her whole life. Now I have compassion for me.

Time to bottom line today because I know I’ve said a lot.

I am choosing to share my breakdown journey first. There have been many pivotal moments on this path and I will try not to bore you! But, I can’t promise that either!

What I can say now is that I am a finder of truth. That gold is inside of all of us. We just get to learn what to look for and how to do it.

This is my catharsis, my healing program, and if by accident or on purpose, I end up helping one of my readers, then I have been blessed.