Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 36 – 5-12-2021 - More on Relationships with Self and Others

More on Relationships with Self and Others

Apparently this is a big deal for me, and I would venture to bet that you may be feeling similarly.

My father was emotionally unavailable, and my mother had a lot of situational mental problems. I can’t say what they were because I don’t know. She did go through a lot of trauma as a child. A 2^nd Generation Holocaust Survivor; I never knew what happened to her, she would not talk about it.

I was traumatized on both sides of the coin and to top it all of I always felt really bad about myself because I was the only kid in school who lived with her grandparents and father. The other kids I was friends with thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not me.

I always felt ashamed and alone.

As a result, I was always looking in others for something that I didn’t realize I had inside myself for many, many years; I would say most of my life.

I was needy and desperate for love, for validation and for people around me to finally say how amazing and wonderful I am.

And some did, but I couldn’t even hear that, I was so lost in my darkness and sadness. There was no light at the end of the tunnel; I was living in my closet, literally, because that was the safest spot I could find.

My mother used to say things to me like, “Why haven’t you called to tell me you love me and ask about my health?” She did this when I was four and didn’t stop until one day at 43 I hit my wall and hung the phone up and stopped speaking with her for a long time.

Not that it mattered, I still craved a relationship with her that I would really never have. I got pretty close to a relationship right before she died though, and it was the best I could have asked for.

What I really learned, and I’ve mentioned this over the past couple of days (I guess because this is pretty important for me to understand) is that I have been putting my needs from my childhood on other relationships and when I didn’t get what I needed, I crashed and burned.

Now, bear in mind, this was all sub-conscious and we all do a form of this with all of our relationships: parents, siblings, friends, partners, etc.

I didn’t know that when I expected the person in front of me to provide me with a response I needed (I love you, you’re amazing, how can I help you, you’re doing such a great job, etc.) that it stemmed from not getting that response as a child from my mother and father.

The challenge, of course, with this is usually we attract people into our lives so we can learn something about ourselves, so I mostly attracted people who were similar to my father, mother and grandmother. When I didn’t get the response I needed from the present relationship, I would immediately get sad and angry with them for not providing what I needed.

But wait, there’s more. As I said, the people we attract into our lives give us the opportunity to grow and I also understand now that sometimes the people in those relationships also don’t have the capacity for love, communication and understanding, just like our parents didn’t. It is said that our relationships, especially the closest ones, reflect our unfinished business with our parents or caregivers.

So, here’s the deal. If someone doesn’t have the capacity to love me and give me what I believe I need, then here lies an opportunity to look at myself and do this differently.

That person can’t. They just can’t. They are on their own journey and I can’t expect them to be for me what I never had AND what I’m not willing to be for myself.

I am finally understanding that it is ok to meet someone where they are on their journey. The challenge for me is that I can do that with my clients, it’s the close relationships that are difficult.

Now, know this… I have found that it isn’t only what we do with our newfound understandings about things that change them, it’s the awareness itself that causes the shift. I think that “awareness” would be another writing at some point, but for now just know that once you are aware, energy shifts.

Really, the energy has already shifted from the sub/un-conscious to the conscious mind. Now when something happens again, I can observe it and change my behavior.

“When you know better, you do better.” Maya Angelou

Yes, I said “when.” I found that I will go through these lessons over and over until I have mastered and integrated them. Whew… but it’s all good.

Anyway, just thought this is important because it has come up for me so much in the past few days.

Hope this helps on your journey too… let me know in the comments.