Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 69 – 6-14-2021 - Stream of Consciousness…Again

 

Here I go again… finding it hard to write. In a process right now and I don’t really know yet or understand what is happening.

The good news is that I know that everything always works out for me; one way or the other.

The bad news is everything is blank, and I don’t know what to expect and some days I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

I am working more and more on speaking my truth, even if it means dropping something that I have been so focused on and wanting to do for a long time. I have such a thing going on right now.

My old self would be sticking to it until it robs me of my soul and sanity. My present self is saying, “Let go.”

BUT… I worked so hard with others to make these things work over the past couple of years. I don’t want to let go now. I just can’t.

Herein lies the challenge when I hold onto something I’m not meant to keep. It goes away eventually, anyway. And… it hurts more when it does. That is the 2x4 I refer to a lot.

This time is different. I am seeing the forest for the trees, and I am at a point that if these things are meant to be, they will work themselves out. If not, then I will have quite a bit of grieving to do. This time, though, the grieving will be on my terms. It still hurts and I also gather a great deal of courage and growth from making the decision myself instead of holding on so tightly and waiting for everything to fall apart around me.

I used to get resentful of others about this. I don’t do that anymore. This is where I am learning to send love and move on my way.

I choose not to do that anymore; it has gotten me nowhere.

When I don’t know where I stand with others, instead of doing what is in my truth, I have been figuring out ways to make it work, mostly to my detriment because the other person in these scenarios really doesn’t see what is happening. I know, I have done it myself in the past.

Sometimes we don’t recognize our own behaviors because we are so used to them, they have become habitual. We also don’t know that they are actually hurting someone. That is not easy to confront and when we do, we heal. We can try to apologize, we can try to make amends or we just move on and carry that too. Sometimes the apologies and amends will not be accepted and that gets to be ok to. Just another opportunity to grieve.

It’s hard, especially when I have had a long-term relationship with someone and I really love and care about them, and I don’t want to lose a friendship or work relationship. It’s really scary since I’ve lost so many people in my life. This is where I am processing my way through this.

So, what I can say is this.  If you are going through sometime similar, just be gentle with yourself. You are learning new things about you, the truth of who you are and sometimes it is a shocker to yourself that you really are that amazing. After all, there were people in your life who kept telling you otherwise and you believed a lie.

You are a beautiful soul. Keep up the good work. Sending love to you!