Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 67 – 6-12-2021 - The Light at the End of the Tunnel

 

This process for me over the last few days has been incredible. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I used to say, years ago that this light was an oncoming train. Not anymore.

This light is brilliant and peaceful. It is love. It is joy. It is everything that I have had such a hard time seeing throughout my life from trauma and other experiences.

I literally could not see me because my broken heart and all the pain that went along with it blocked my view.

The more I walk through this void, the more things change. Everyday I am recognized and validated, and I now believe what is being said to me to the point where I really know it. What a blessing…

This isn’t something that comes easy for anyone who has walked through or is walking through trauma. So much self-doubt. So much self-hatred. So much confusion. Lost with no direction and not knowing why.

It hurts, it stings and not understanding why we feel like that or to be able to shift it is really hard.

There are ways out. There is love inside of you for you, whether you want to believe it or whether you can believe it.

You are a miracle, as am I. You just get to discover that miracle inside of you.

It has taken me since I was 27 to walk through this and find me inside of this outer shell of my body. This amazing body, that has taken me through all kinds of things. Happy, sad, angry, excited, you name it. It has kept me going to this point where I finally feel like I have life! I will be 57 this year and this is the best damn year of my life with all of these new discoveries.

I feel like I am in my 20’s again just with a lot more wisdom and understanding of self and how I am designed.

This feeling is not something that is only reserved for a select few. It is also not an easy journey. A lot comes into play. Willingness. Decision. Desire. Truth. Persistence. Being ok with the unknown. Knowing that there is a way, no matter what it takes – I guess that falls under persistence, I just hold myself close to that.

What you see in the world is not who you are. Who you are is love, deep down, whether you can or want to believe that or not. I do now.

I have such dear friends around me who support me and vice versa. It’s taken a lifetime to fully understand that. I had friends in the past that supported me deeply, yet those relationships tended to fall away due to co-dependency, on both sides. This dis-ease of co-dependency shows up because we don’t feel good enough, we don’t understand how to love ourselves; so we are always trying to make the other happy. That isn’t the way things really are or can be.

That is impossible. You can turn yourself into a pretzel trying to do that and it will never happen. If you are co-dependent you will know what that looks like. You can get out of that gerbil wheel, and it is so important for your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health to do so. I know. I’ve been there.

Most, if not all of my previous relationships revolved around dual co-dependency. My side of it was because I felt that if someone was helping me out of generosity or the goodness of their heart, I felt I still owed them something. All of the others had different reasons that I won’t go into because it isn’t mine.

My mother said to me when I was little at 4 and again as an adult at 43 (and I had seen this in the court paperwork that I adopted into my world as well), “Why haven’t you called to tell me you love me? Why haven’t you asked me about my health? After all, I bore you.”

As a 4-year-old that was not my responsibility, not my fault. Yet I made it my fault. I was in debt to my mother for just being here. For just being alive. For just existing.

Then I was in debt to everyone.

I was angry and lost and thought that I owed everyone for just being in their presence and being alive, especially if they did something for me.

I have never put this out there to more than just very close friends. I felt that now is a good time to do so. That stuck with me to this day, not as much as it used to as I have walked through forgiving my mother and myself and that has changed a lot of things, yet nonetheless, it still shows up in different areas of my life. When I feel comfortable sharing that, I will, not just yet. Luckily, it is slowly integrating and I am getting to a point of carrying with me.

I know now that I am a good person. I have always been kind, accepting and loving of others. I have always tried to support and help others. On this journey, I did that to the detriment of myself.

I am fully aware of what I am walking through, and I am grateful for the people in my life that surround me.

I have to say that the two most important of those people are my daughter and son. With everything that has gone on, their wisdom and much of what they have said to me and shared with me throughout their years of life has been an inspiration for me to keep going, to keep healing, to dig deep and to do the work to heal. I am so incredibly grateful to them and love them so much.

This has been an incredibly painful and heartbreaking journey and believe it or not, has been well worth it.

It is not over, not even close. I have much work to do on this planet and look forward to meeting those beautiful souls that I can connect with and walk through with them and guide on their journeys.

This is just the beginning. I surround you with love and the safety of the beauty that really is in the world. Blessings to you. Always.