Flight of the Hummingbird - Day 81 - 6-26-2021 - Wherever I Go Is Where I Am.

 

What if… I could look back on my life and see that things were actually different although I didn’t know they were…

Until now.

 

What if… I didn’t have to feel like I was unloved or abandoned?

What if… I didn’t have to feel not good enough or like I didn’t belong?

What if… I could learn and go to school without feeling like it was okay to be bullied by the kids and a teacher?

What if… I didn’t have to use alcohol or marijuana to feel like I did belong when I was in high school and college?

What if… I didn’t feel like I needed to hide in a closet so I could feel safe?

What if… I did feel safe?

What if… I didn’t have to suffer from a lifetime (lifetimes) of trauma?

What if… I didn’t feel like I had to sleep with a guy to feel loved?

What if… I didn’t pick unavailable men because I thought they loved me?

What if… I didn’t feel like people didn’t like me?

What if… that little girl inside of me was actually my best friend and life partner?

What if… that little girl didn’t have to feel threatened or alone?

What if… I didn’t have to isolate?

What if… I could find the love that has been inside me all along?

What if… I could live in a world where everyone looked out for each other and cared for each other?

What if… I could help to shift the world by loving myself? What did that look like?

What if… I could give and receive the love that is always inside me?

What if… I could find my truth?

 

Wait… What is my truth? How do I find it?

I will not lie to you. Finding my truth has been a long and challenging journey at times. I am not a guru. I am not an avatar.

I live my life knowing that the most important things in life are love, peace, truth, light, and joy. And… I also know that I am human and get to heal from the things that occurred in my life. These were not things that were done to me, I see that now. These were opportunities that I have been given by the Universe/God/Higher Power/Source/Creator or whatever you call this Being.

I also know that I have hurt others consciously and unconsciously. I know that it wasn’t an intention because that isn’t who I am at my core. What I also know is that hurt people, hurt people and sometimes we are well aware of our intentions to hurt others, sometimes it comes from our traumatized inner children, and we don’t know what we are doing. Yet it keeps happening.

Why?

Because we haven’t decided yet to take a look and see why the experiences and situations outside of us keep repeating themselves. Sometimes, we don’t know to decide. Sometimes we really aren’t ready.

Have you ever taken a cold, hard look at why you keep attracting the same man/woman into your life in a different body? Or why you keep having similar experiences in your work environment? Or no matter what you do about your health or weight, you can’t seem to get anywhere? Same with finances and money.

There is a reason for this and when I saw this in myself, I learned I needed to make a decision. That decision was so hard for me because somehow there was a safety in the known chaos for me. I knew what to expect and I thought I could handle it.

And I could for a while and then things started to change and get harder.

What I did recognize was that because all of these things kept happening, I began to see that I was the common denominator in the whole thing.

At the same time, I also knew, as I said before, that this isn’t who I am at my core. I’ve lived with myself for a while and have observed things that I saw in myself and my surroundings and also saw how I was really fighting myself and my true nature.

Yet, I didn’t have a clue how to find out who I am and what my truth was. I did do a lot of different things and I was a seeker, so I could find out. That was where I began.

But, I still really didn’t reach the depths right away. I found that it usually took a major catastrophe or serious deep hurt and pain to come from outside of me to realize what I needed to do. That was usually the 2x4 to the side of my head.

At one point, I just didn’t want to do that anymore. So, I started to push myself to heal. I would do anything and everything to find that way. I became ruthless with myself instead of ruthless with my healing. I had to learn how to be gentle and patient with myself and that little girl. That wasn’t easy.

She did deserve to be loved and I was also not in a frame of mind to know how to do that with her.

Finally, I came across a personal development course that changed my life. That is where this healing journey really began. Up until this point, I read, researched, did sweat lodges, went to different churches, synagogues, and temples. I changed the way I took care of my body. I also saw various therapists and coaches. I so desperately wanted to get to the bottom of what was “wrong” with me and these things I found outside of me were going to “fix” me! Yay!

What I found was that they did… for a while.

And… then they didn’t.

The answer was going within. Well, how the heck am I going to do that now when my ‘monkey mind’ wont’ stop haranguing me? This felt impossible. I was getting frustrated and continued at times to feel sad, hurt and heartbroken. This time it was at me.

I will tell you this. It was like I was going to through Basic Training all over again where I was being broken down to the point where my true self could come out. I learned that many years later and this was huge.

I also learned that I am not who I always thought I was and what brought me inside me turned out to be the very things I was trying to avoid looking at.

From that rock bottom, I was able to begin rising again… like the Pheonix.

This journey is far from over and what I am learning every day is that I am able to do this now without even coming close to dissociating anymore.

At one point I didn’t even know that was possible…

Now I know that anything is possible.

I am possible and nothing is im-possible.

So cool.