Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 60 – 6-5-2021 - Fear of Confrontation and Speaking My Truth

 

I had an opportunity today. Talk about anxiety, wow. I literally feel this in my body at my Solar Plexus. Nervous, agitated, wanting to cry, wanting to run; just so I don’t have to face the confrontation to speak my truth and set a boundary. All obviously old stuff that I thought I had already looked at.

Walking through an opportunity that can really shift me and all of the Complex PTSD flashbacks I have dealt with throughout my life, I take this head on.

For those old school folks out there: “This is a test. This is only a test. For the next sixty seconds, you get to go through an opportunity that has always gotten you wrapped up in pain, trauma and flashbacks, just to see if you have learned from it so you don’t have to go through this lesson again.” Hahahahaha

This is clearly something I get the opportunity to look at and walk through, hopefully one last time.

I think I am actually understanding this one!

Obviously, there is not a one of us that thinks about things in exactly the same way. I work really hard in understanding that about others; it isn’t easy.

The assumptions that we tend to hold on how other people do or don’t do in their behaviors, myself included, are from our perspectives and it can really get in the way of a deep relationship. This is not unconditional; this is really based in fear. All of this to protect ourselves from the beliefs that we hold about ourselves.

Mostly it’s the fear of loss for me. Generationally and from my personal experience, that is what happens when I feel like I can’t make other people happy. Of course I can’t.

That is a core belief I have carried throughout my life and it resurfaces every so often, like now.

The good news is that I am learning that my personal truth is the most important…for me. Just like yours is for you. We all know deep down what it is that works for us, our needs, wants and desires. They are all ours and no one can take that away from us…unless we allow that to happen.

The biggest challenge in this is potentially losing the love of someone that matters to me.

Then I got to thinking on this. I am so concerned because “they” matter to me and with the behaviors I have witnessed from them toward me, do I really matter to them?

Maybe on some level, yet when there are expectations and co-dependency going on as I have talked about before, then I concluded that I don’t matter and that’s when it tears me up inside the most. That hits right on that belief about myself that I have carried throughout my life, that I don’t matter.

Flash forward… and yet I do matter. I matter to me and those people who choose a relationship with me and to be part of my life. This is a huge realization for me.

And to potentially lose someone that matters to me along with their love? It used to become a full out anxiety attack. That clearly is not happening for me today and that is a good thing, and I am grateful for this teaching moment for me. I matter and I am taking care of myself.