Flight of the Hummingbird - Day 85 - 6-30-2021 - Never In My Life

 

As I grew up in my earlier years,

I would never have guessed what my life would be.

I wasn’t the child that knew what she wanted,

I was the child that felt unwanted,

Especially being told by others what they wanted for me.

 

I lived my live with conditioning from early on,

From feeling not good enough all the way to self-hatred.

It never served me, it just attracted situations in my life that proved to me what I thought.

 

It was always something I thought I was doing wrong,

and could never put my finger on what was happening.

I did the work, I pushed myself diligently yet…

I could never figure out what was wrong with me.

 

I felt like I was broken to my core, worthless, unimportant, no one could love me,

Because I didn’t love myself.

 

And I continued to push, and I continued to know that I could do this,

I continued to sabotage myself in the process until I didn’t anymore.

I was slowly becoming aware of the demons inside, which then turned into darkness,

I was no longer afraid.

Because the light began to appear.

 

I didn’t have to dissociate anymore,

I could release the pent-up anger that I held inside for so long.

I got to the point where I knew that I could decide for my life,

And then one day I did, without the help of the 2x4.

 

No more of that, I’m in charge of me, no one else.

No more shame. No more pain. No more hurt.

And my special Toolbox that I now had from years of personal development, therapy and coaching,

So I could take care of me.

 

Now I can do this on my own.

It is time.

The shifts are really happening.

 

This part of Kentucky I am in is really out in the boon docks,

And it has been giving me an opportunity to see myself and my life differently.

There really isn’t anything to do.

The behaviors I created to hurt others and especially myself because I felt so lonely and unworthy,

Those are all going away now.

 

The responsibility I’ve needed to take for how I have hurt people, especially my children

because as I went through this, I felt so lost and hurt myself.

It is not an excuse; it is a recognition.

 

I know who I really am and that person who hurt others was not me,

It was the part of me protecting myself from more pain.

 

I can’t tell you the direction I am going in… yet.

What I can say is that preparation has begun for the life that I have always wanted to live.

I am a gypsy at heart, I am an adventurer…

And now for the first time in my life I am just about there.

Never in my life have I felt this way; I can’t explain it, it’s just different.

 

In my way… for the first time, let’s see what happens next.

No more fear of the unknown.

I am doing this!

How does it get any better than this?