Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 68 – 6-13-2021 - Deep Deep Dive

 

I had my coaching session this past Friday with a beautiful soul that helps people find out how to connect with and delete their old money story and make a new one. When I first met her at an online retreat, I knew there was a connection there, I just didn’t know why yet.

One day she reached out to Facebook to find people to test her process and I raised my hand. I couldn’t be happier that I did that.

 So, a couple of days ago, she had been asking me questions to dig deeper into what has been going on with me and money in my life. I had written out a mantra (the new money story) which I have been reading since yesterday (Saturday).

When it comes to money, my life has been a complete cluster. I have always felt like I was in lack and the situations in my life have made that belief into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just could never figure out why.

The bigger challenge is that I knew why, I had been carrying that story around with me and shared it with a select few people until yesterday in this blog (again Saturday).

I see the process happening as I am sharing this with you.

Today, once again, as I was on my walk this morning, some stuff came up for me. I was listening to the book “It Didn’t Start with You, How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How To End the Cycle” by Mark Wolynn.

I cannot say enough about this book. It really takes the reader (me) into a deep, deep dive to realize why things that just didn’t click, destroyed lives, and made me feel like for a long time I had absolutely no control over anything in my life.

Todays reading linked back to what I shared yesterday, my feelings of lack and my total disconnect with my mother until 2016 throughout the two years until she died in 2018.

“Why haven’t you called me to tell me you love me? Why haven’t you asked how my health is? After all I bore you.”

I have carried the anger and sadness of that statement in every area my life and especially in the area of finances and success as I see it. Nothing ever worked for me. Nothing.

I kept trying and trying to get things to shift and they wouldn’t.

Until this morning.

My beliefs from this statement from her involved that requirement that I somehow owed her for being alive, that my “debts” would never be paid to her or anyone. So, I sabotaged making any money so I wouldn’t have to “pay her back” for bringing me into this world. This is a big ah-hah moment today.

That is what this feels like happened, it may shift and that’s ok but in the moment, here, I am going with that.

Add to the thoughts of lack of not being important, even to my own mother from when she walked away from me in the hospital the day I was born, that it was always about her, and you have a real humdinger of a lack story. Clue: it is just a story, and the story line can be and is being changed.

Not only did I think I meant nothing to her, I also felt that she would never remember me, that she didn’t care about me or that she didn’t even know my name. I even wrote the attached song about this whole thing with her.

This is churning up a lot inside of me. It is really causing a lot of grief AND I can feel energies over anger, sadness and bitterness moving around inside of me. This is a good thing.

I am the type of person that has no problem getting to the root of something even if it hurts. The good thing is that throughout the years of doing this work, I now can sit with it without feeling like I am going into the abyss or off the deep end.

I am still walking through this so this does not have an ending point…yet. Yet, I feel it coming.

I am so grateful for being able to connect with myself like this. I feel powerful today.

Have a great day!