Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 72 – 6-17-2021 - Where Am I Going from Here?

Ok, so things really tend to shift from moment-to-moment. I’m learning more and more to go with the flow of what that is. I tried and tried to come up with how and what to write today and nothing would come. I don’t want to share that story anymore, that is what came up for me. That story has kept me stuck and in a place of not understanding or looking at some things. It is more clear to me now and so what ended up come out was the following poem:

Where Am I Going from Here? 

The past is past, why does it come,

Into my life, who am I to become?

I know not where I am right now,

nothing seems to fit, and I don’t know how.

 

To turn the page that’s coming forth,

It’s time to recognize my own worth.

It’s been a struggle for me as a woman, you know,

that’s had her inner little girl running the show.

 

To protect herself from the invisible monsters,

Walking through life in complete wander.

She knew not who she was or where to go,

What she did know was her truth, though that didn’t flow.

 

With what others said or when she was consumed,

With grief beyond measure as she continued to assume.

No one loved her and no one cared,

“If I step outside my closet, is it safe out there?”

 

From what I heard, from what they said,

Most of my life, I’ve been in my head.

Why would I think this way of me?

From being told by many who “they” thought I should be.

The things I was told were not true, I hear,

yet the hold in my core, a ghostly view, complete fear.

 

Well, something is happening and she’s peeking out now,

She’s not sure what it is, and she isn’t sure she’ll allow.

Herself to be vulnerable, not just yet,

She’s still learning some things she didn’t mean to forget.

 

She knows the forgetting comes with the territory,

Of being raised in our society.

With the lessons and lies that were told when she was little,

‘Til she believed every word and thought her life was her sentence and there was no acquittal.

 

But that’s not true, she began to figure out,

“I deserve to be here and loved,” she began to shout.

She yelled and yelled until she could yell no more,

She was determined not to go back to where she was before.

 

Throughout the years, as she worked on healing her pain,

She came to a conclusion, once again.

She had decided that the past story was too much to bear,

While at the same time, it helped to release the fear.

 

It no longer is necessary for the story to be told,

Again and again, because that is what will take hold.

Of her life if she lets it, and that makes no sense,

The time has come where life’s requirement is not defense.

 

What is happening now, as she looks through her eyes to the world,

Is the knowledge that it’s really time to heal that inner little girl.

The mother wound is deep, indeed,

And runs generationally for all to see, and it’s time, powerful woman, for you to break free.

 

Moving forward in the now, and taking what comes,

Truly a blessing in disguise, there are to be no more crumbs.

The love she’d been searching, is really there,

Inside herself, for connection without despair.

 

The real truth of me as I await moving forward,

Has also been for me, completely awkward.

In learning who I really am,

in the past I’ve felt like such a scam.

 

Life’s too short to sit in the junk,

Of outmoded beliefs and all the other gunk.

Feeling the pressure of being ok, now shifts to recognition of mistakes, so that I may,

Hold the space for all others as I witness their pain.

 

From these beliefs, handed down to me,

Didn’t even know about them, they ran me, subconsciously.

Now that I know the havoc I have wreaked,

On my future generations, the requirement has now peaked.

 

The things I’ve felt are no longer about me,

Knowing where I played the part, helps me to see.

It is time to let go of my defense and protection,

In order to hold the space, for the correction.

 

Of lifetimes of pain, that are no longer mine to carry,

Looking ahead, I’m learning, it’s not so scary.

Being comfortable with hearing another’s pain,

No more protecting or having to explain.

I can do this and realize it’s subsiding this thing called fear,

And it’s so important to do this for my loved ones, dear.

Because the truth is that the love is here.

 

My life that is changing, I know not how it will appear,

And right now, my big question is, “Where Am I Going from Here?”