Flight Chronicles of the Hummingbird - Day 64 & 65 – 6-9-2021 & 6-10-2021 - Deep In the Void

 

I have to admit. I am thoroughly exhausted.

I know why and as I learn more and more about myself; it is helping me to clear this old energy that I have been harboring for what feels like lifetimes.

I missed yesterday. It was the first time I missed a day since I started this journal.

In the past, perfectionism would have gotten the best of me. This time it did not.

When I know about who I truly am as I am going through this journey, something happens. Dealing with the daily crap that comes up or the exhaustion or whatever happens doesn’t feel life altering anymore. It just is what it is and now I can sit with it.

In the past, I would literally go into a meltdown. I forgot! I couldn’t think of anything to write! I don’t know what to do!

Well, I still can’t think of anything to write, yet I am writing.

I am writing because this is important to me, for me and for anyone who needs to hear these words.

If you have ever experienced anything close to Complex PTSD and continue to go through emotional flashbacks, then finding a way to release the stuck old beliefs and energies inside you is important. To get to the point that everything is actually ok in this moment is life affirming and altering.

Which leads me into yesterday. In being exhausted, I got done what I could and relaxed the rest of the time. I couldn’t really do anything. I needed to recuperate, I had to; and that is ok. I took care of myself and that is good.

Being in this void, in this room/cocoon I am in, is preparing me for what is next. I don’t know what that is, yet I do know that I am moving toward it. I get to sit with myself, in extreme singleness and reach into the depths of my soul.

Learning to let go to technology and just be with me is a challenge. I am doing it in fits and spurts yet I am doing it and that is ok.

I don’t have a direction for this, I am just free writing because my brain is pretty blank right now which is a miracle in and of itself.

All I can say is how grateful I am for these shifts, these opportunities, and this time in my life.

I cannot even put into words what a blessing this journey is becoming.

The Past

One thing I did want to mention is that everything I have been through until this point has made me who I am today and at this point, I am not in a position to regret anything that has happened with me in my life.

I know that a lot of what happened was generational and although I get to take responsibility for my part in my life, I don’t have to constantly imprison myself anymore. I can apologize for any behaviors that may have caused pain to others from not even knowing what I was doing at the time.

This isn’t an excuse; this is a reality. For all of us, our behavior throughout our lives is based out of the traumas we experienced; ourselves and generationally. In most cases, it is strictly survival, and that is what we do as humans. That is ok as long as you learn from it and don’t continue to do it.

I have come to realize in the past 5 or so years that we all make mistakes. Mistakes are there to guide us; not to be repeated. Once we learn from them, we do our best to not do it again. And…it could happen again…and…we continue to heal from what the cause is and do the best we can.

If we can do 1% better than yesterday, we are successful. The choice is yours, just like me.

Live your life in a space of freedom and know that you aren’t doing anything wrong (wrong is just someone’s opinion). We are all human. We all make mistakes. We can all heal from our past and change all of that with just a decision.

What is your decision?